I hated being black. I hated the texture of my hair, the color of my skin. The way I had to minimize myself to feel accepted. But you’d never know that. I was the girl with the biggest smile and the loudest laugh.
I struggled deeply with feeling like I belonged. Sure, I had plenty of (white) friends, got along with their families, was always well kept, polite, and knew when and how to speak. I’ve always been well liked, because I’m palatable. On the outside I was a chameleon. I could morph into anyone they needed me to be.
Outside, I appeared to be a really well-rounded kid. Inside, I struggled every single day. I was hyper aware of my blackness. I tried to assimilate and come off as white as possible - in the way that I spoke, dressed, and carried myself. I wanted to make them feel as comfortable as they could around me. I can’t even count the number of times I was told “Alexis, you’re not really black, you don’t count”. The sad part is, It took me until my late 20’s to realize that wasn’t a compliment, and actually meant the way I authentically showed up was not enough.
In high school I never dated because I didn’t understand why anyone would like me. Especially because I grew up in a predominantly white suburb in Northern New Jersey. Yes, I am and have been attracted to white men, but I never felt like anyone would like me, or even want to be seen with me.
I never felt beautiful growing up - not because my friends or family didn’t tell me I was, but because in the early 90’s and 2000’s there was no one who looked like me who was portrayed as beautiful in mainstream media. This was before brands adopted more inclusive advertising, featuring people with a variety of shapes, skin tones, hair types, and the list goes on and on. For a lot of my childhood, I hated that I was black. I didn’t understand why I didn’t have perfectly straight, soft, silky hair.
During the summer of 2019, I made the decision to stop relaxing my hair, and cut the chemically burned locks from my head. This was the first step in my journey towards authentically loving myself.
With the killings of George Floyd, Breona Taylor, and many others during the summer of 2020, I was forced to confront a myriad of issues I had with my own racial identity. With the world now aware of how much racism and microaggressions black people face day in and day out, I was having conversations with friends and colleagues about feelings that I had tried to bury my whole life. A year and a half later I made the decision to continue on my journey of truly loving myself, because of my blackness.
I know I’m not the only woman who has a similar story, or grew up feeling like they couldn’t authentically show up as who they were, or still struggle with these feelings today. I know there are countless others who feel just like me.
I’m certain my mission in life was to experience these things so I can give other women the courage to love themselves unapologetically, and the confidence to take on the world. My aim at beyoutifully you is to give you the confidence and self esteem to know that you are beautiful just the way you are, inside and out. And who you are is enough. We’re on this journey together.
The photo you see here was taken the day I finished my 10-week outpatient therapy program. I promise you it gets better, you just need to take the first step.
With love and gratitude,
Alexis Anne Dredden